Dear single men,
I was having a conversation with a friend recently. He’s about my age, he’s single, and he is, I can attest, an all around good dude. I hadn’t seen him in a while, so I asked about the status of his love life. He told me that he’s currently ‘hanging out’ with someone.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, we’ve hung out a few times. She’s great.”
“OK, so are you guys going out? Is she your girlfriend?”
“No. I don’t think so. But we’re hanging out. We’re talking.”
“Well, of course you’re speaking to each other. Do you talk to her on the phone? Do you see her a lot?”
“No, we mostly text. I’ve seen her a few times since we started hanging out.”
“So you only recently met her?”
“No, I’ve known her for a while, but we’ve only hung out a few times.”
“You never hung out with her before?”
“I did. But, I mean, since we started… Since we, you know, whatever.”
I left that conversation confused, because confusion is the name of the game these days. Everyone is confused. Being single means being confused. Everyone is so confused that they don’t even know what words to use when describing their relationships. USA Today did a survey of singles a while back, and they discovered something that’s been apparent for years: nobody has any idea what’s going on in their own love lives. Close to 70 percent don’t know if they’re on a date when they go on a date.
I guess that’s because most of you are too busy “hanging out.”
What is that, guys? How old are we?
It went from courting, to dating, to hanging out. Sometimes even hanging out reeks of too much commitment, in which case ‘talking’ can be used. And if talking sounds too serious, maybe we’ll start hearing ‘vicinitizing.’ That’s a word I just made up, and it means that you and your female friend are often in the same vicinity, but it doesn’t get all intense by insinuating that you’re actually in that general location together on purpose.
When did men become so afraid to make a commitment, to take the lead, to say what they want, to make long term plans, to set goals, to pursue, to talk about the future?
We are devolving into primates, losing the ability to even discuss our own behavior using words and sentences. The average single American man is now relegated to grunts and shrugs and ‘whatevers’ and ‘you knows’ when pressed to have a conversation about his dating habits. Or his vicinity habits. Or his whatever habits, because whatever, you know?
‘Hanging out’ is how we describe what we do with our buddies. Is that what you want? Do you want that beautiful woman to be your buddy? Or would you ideally prefer it if you could distinguish between your relationship with her and your relationship with your friend Steve?
I know you might tell me you can decipher between the two based on who you’re hooking up with, but I think that’s a problem. And, speaking of which, let’s chill with the ‘hooking up’ thing.
That phrase makes you sound like a teenager. Grown men relying on the vague, timid code words of high school freshmen. It’s embarrassing.
Time to end the nonsense, gentlemen. It’s time to be grown ups. It’s time to be men. I know this term really offends a lot of people nowadays, but truly, fellas, let’s man up.
Trust me, I’m not innocent. I’m married now, but I was once a part of this hazy, undefined dating-but-not-dating scene. I never liked it, because nobody does. I never found any happiness in it, because nobody does. But I was a part of the problem. I was a wimpy manchild, afraid of meaningful commitments, afraid of being alone, afraid of rejection, afraid of the future, afraid of being betrayed, afraid of being loved. Just afraid, really. Afraid of everything.
Then, one day, I met Alissa. She was looking for a grown man, and I was sick of playing games. We were both exhausted. So do you know what we did very early in our relationship?
We defined our terms.
We made our goals clear.
We were open with each other.
We spoke about the future.
We used words like ‘marriage.’
We were clear and convicted and purpose driven. I had ambitions for our relationship. Ambitions. I, like, had an idea about what I was doing and why I was doing it. Can you believe it? I was in it for a reason. I wanted it to become something.
See, I’d been floating like aimless debris through an ocean of cloudy intentions and half-heartedness, until I grew up and realized that romance isn’t a game, and most women aren’t frivolous bimbos. They want men who know what they want and aren’t afraid to verbalize it. And if they don’t want that, then they aren’t worth your energy. Get out now. If she still wants to pretend she’s in tenth grade, let her live that fantasy with someone else.
With Alissa, things were pretty clear from the get-go. We had a relationship. A real, live relationship. A few months into it, I proposed. Some people wait longer, which is fine. We’re all on our own schedule. But I promise you, despite popular sentiments, it doesn’t take a decade and a half to figure things out.
I had several failed dating ‘situations’ before I got married. Some collapsed within months, others took considerably longer. But all of them were eventually destroyed by problems that were clearly evident in the first, I don’t know, five minutes or so.
And, yes, I get it. Our disastrous modern approach to dating (or whatever) isn’t all the fault of men. But there’s no point in parceling out the blame. All you can do, single dudes, is get your own selves together. Take the lead.
Here’s some brutal honesty for you: if you ‘aren’t ready for something serious,’ then you need to go get yourself ready and leave these ladies alone until you do. You can’t go out and have sex (I mean, ‘hook up,’ as the middle schoolers at the lunch table might call it) and then claim that you ‘aren’t ready for something serious.’ It’s too late, friend. Sex is something serious.
Can you imagine if an airline pilot pulled that kind of stunt?
“Attention passengers. This is your captain speaking. I just want to tell you that, like, I don’t want things to get weird or whatever, but I’m not really into being a captain right now. I mean, yeah, I chose to take a plane full of souls up 32 thousand feet into the air at a cruising speed of 600 miles per hour, but I don’t want you think that this is, like, official, you know? I’ve got your lives in my hands, but I don’t want this to get serious. In fact, actually, look, I’m just gonna bail now. I’ve got my parachute. You don’t but that’s your problem. I got what I wanted out of this. So, uh, yeah. Bye. Enjoy your fiery demise!”
Only, for this analogy to work, the captain would send that in a text message, because he lacks even the fortitude to verbalize it.
1,839 Comments
Leave a commentIn San Francisco women judges people a lot more than other cities, every time I travel “anywhere” else, I somehow find myself attractive again, with girls smiling, and responding to flirts. Let it be Vegas, New York, Los Angeles, Austin, Miami. It’s so hard just to get a women just to smile at you without flashing your porsche or exiting a successful startup. I moved to this city to build my career, so I was prepared for sacrificing of my dating life.
I tell every women that I go out with I don’t get into relationships, it is up to them to stick around, if they don’t like it they can leave. I have no interest of having kids, therefore I have no interest of finding a life partner. Not in San Francisco, with women constantly judging me before they know anything about me, with women constantly gossiping to each other about who just slept with another founder of another successful startup. Those are not the things I value in life, but since we do have physical and mental needs, I will “hang out” with people who I find somewhat attractive, and vice versa.
“I tell every women that I go out with I don’t get into relationships, it is up to them to stick around, if they don’t like it they can leave. I have no interest of having kids, therefore I have no interest of finding a life partner.” – That explains a lot…were you asking a question and then answering it??
If I want to wholly ignore the social impact of the feminist movement and how its made it 100% acceptable behaviour for women to be vague, inconsistent and non-commital as well as DEMAND that men be the same, then I can accept the article.
If i want to accept that equality does not in fact exist and that men are the sole arbiters of the status of a relationship and that women have no voice or requirements of their own, I can accept this article.
If i accept that the feminist movement has taught us that both men and women are EQUALLY responsible for the state and course of their own relationships, then this guy is way off base
And as a way off base, he has totally missed that Alissa is exactly what is missing from the global equation in a feminist dominant culture that enables women to be less decisive and demand dishonesty in return (does my butt look big in these jeans?) WHILE promoting the idea that women are powerful and in charge of their lives.
Further if in the feminist model men and women share EQUAL power it, is a requirement in the responsible execution of that power that SHE stands up and expresses her displeasure/disappointment/dissatisfaction, if that is her position, with the “hang out” equation.
As a culture, we need to pull ourselves off the fence of the “equality vs leadership” relationship models.
A grown up relationship means treating it like a grown up. If she laguishes in a relationship that is not going where it needs to go its 100% her problem to solve, not his. Alissa did the right thing: she was clear about what she wanted. We need a country full of Alissas. If we had that there would be many more marriages.
In terms of men “manning up”, in the current disdainful state of gender relations that make it absolutely unsafe for a man to interact with a woman let alone consider marrying her, men’s “manning up” will increasingly mean men will hook up more frequently and in some cases move to deliberately avoiding dating altogether. (If you think i am “extreme” this is already the case in Japan where young men are skipping dating and sex altogether)
On a separate note…
Why does “manning up” only apply to committing to a woman? And how does not doing so equate to him not being a man?
I disagree 99%. My only area of agreement is that men could try and be a little articulate. I DO have goals in life, yet being in a monogamous long term relationship does not happen to be one of them. I enjoy the new discoveries and challenges of the dating life, which is not to say that I have not entered or don’t value long relationships. For me, however, if it happens it happens. The inability to articulate comes NOT from a lack of goals but from a struggle to explain oneself in a manner that does not jar traditional minded judgmental friends
It’s not just the constant texting instead of phone calls and actual face to face encounters. It’s the goddamn smily faces. Makes me feel like I’m “hanging out” with a 14 year old girl instead of an adult male. If you’re going to conduct an entire courtship over SMS, at least have the decency to learn to convey tone and emotion without resorting to emoticon.
@Sari….have you asked him to manage his communication with you or are you most content complaining about it?
Man, I want to argue but I can’t. There just isn’t anything to argue about. You left no one for me to point my finger at but myself. I suppose it is time for me to grow out of a 14 year old mind and into my 18 year old body.
From a 36 year-old single guy: thanks for the advice but no thanks. I’ve never “hung out” with women. Never really attracted them. I dropped out of the dating market years ago because, after years of rejection, there simply was no incentive for me to stay in it.
That said, I’m gainfully employed. I have a mortgage. I have a budget and stick to it. I’d like to think I’m a thoroughly responsible man.
“Man up.” I don’t think it means what you think it means.
You don’t need to marry to be a man. But a man who “hangs out” with women as the man in Matt’s story does do need to grow up. If you want a woman in your life, be mature about it. But if you don’t care about marriage, don’t lead women on. That’s the whole point.
Matt freaking Walsh for the win. And the recent post about women needing to be worthy women? Amen there as well, brother. Keep on keepin’ on.
[…] recently stumbled upon a blog by Matt Walsh (http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/06/19/dear-single-men-time-man-figure/) regarding how men should ‘man up’ when it comes to dating. I was pleasantly surprised […]
[…] I’d agree with that except it’s completely wrong. It’s not good enough anymore to be a man of good will with a good job. Now, you need to have a good job, be able to relate well with your kids, love cooking and cleaning, be socially graceful, and be able to support your wife as she slowly descends into madness thanks to Corporate America and the rise of the dual income household. In addition, you can’t swing a dead cat on the Internet without hitting yet another article reminding men of how badly they’re screwing up, with titles such as Where Have All the Good Men Gone? or my personal favorite, some variation of the phrase “man up.” […]
Your comments reaffirm everything the author wrote about in his article. On another note, If any women or man believes that a women wants to have meaningless sex and never hear from the guy again you are lying to yourself. It was either a drunken mistake in which the women was not able to give legal consent or she has attachments but is pretending she wants to be a free spirit and secretly wishing for a call the next day, respond all you want but it’s the truth.
As a male, there is no reason to get married. What can a female provide me that I don’t already provide for myself?
I cook for myself.
I clean up after myself.
I work for myself.
Companionship? I have family and friends. Also, there are internet discussion forums for everything from art and music to food, working out, video games, and everything else in between. Don’t forget downtown always has social events and activities.
Sex? Why should I get married for sex? It’s cheaper to pay by the hour than all the dates, gifts, birthdays, Christmases, etc.. If I court her, gift her, stay monogamous for the rest of my life [50+ years], and jump through enough hoops, she MIGHT let me have sex with her. If there’s a divorce, I risk losing half of my stuff and paying child support. The cost-benefit is far too high.
The only winning move is to not play.
That’s nice. But this post is not about or for you.
I want an old fashioned woman, because they were the best back then.
What do you mean by an old fashioned woman?
Matt,
Agree with most of your comments that men need to be serious but your advise that go pour your heart out to the women, tell her everything; even though I totally ag
Matt,
Agree with most of your comments that men need to be serious but your advise that go pour your heart out to the women, tell her everything; even though I totally agree that’s how should be the case but in reality, men are naive innocent souls too, seeking approval. If we let it all out, ( in blunt words ) we hand over so much power to the women and it leaves the possibility open of us getting rejected and thus we start doubting ourselves or our beliefs. Go back to your single days and think about it.
Secondly, men playing their part can’t be in oblivion to women not playing theirs. There are equal no of women who take long, play games and test if man is right or wrong before being honest. Happy for you, you were lucky with your wife, but women aren’t totally as much into relationships genuinely, so men taking the blame is overtly rated.
Lastly, we are all evolving by the day. If ones so sure, how would he evolve in that relationship ? Part of us don’t want to tower an image that’s hard to live by and dreams would be built together rather than just alone.
Agree with most of your comments that men need to be serious but your advise that go pour your heart out to the women, tell her everything; even though I totally agree that’s how should be the case but in reality, men are naive innocent souls too, seeking approval. If we let it all out, ( in blunt words ) we hand over so much power to the women and it leaves the possibility open of us getting rejected and thus we start doubting ourselves or our beliefs. Go back to your single days and think about it.
Secondly, men playing their part can’t be in oblivion to women not playing theirs. There are equal no of women who take long, play games and test if man is right or wrong before being honest. Happy for you, you were lucky with your wife, but women aren’t totally as much into relationships genuinely, so men taking the blame is overtly rated.
Lastly, we are all evolving by the day. If ones so sure, how would he evolve in that relationship ? Part of us don’t want to tower an image that’s hard to live by and dreams would be built together rather than just alone.
I married a man who I “hung out” with for about 3 years. From that time, he went from being ambitious to a near-bum and thus I eventually divorced him…the only thing he ever worked hard for was to stop that from happening. It was like having a teen age son replace the man I once admired for his work ethics. I loved him, but I think I was just convenient for him.So what? I should have known right from the beginning, by the fact he only wanted to hang out (until there was pressing reason to officiate our relationship-marriage does have benefits) that he was never serious about having a solid marriage or even a committed relationship.
I started a new career and bought a house in SF Bay Area a decade later. I’m pretty sure he lives in a trailer somewhere with interchangeable welfare moms.
Conclusion: If you don’t really want a serious relationship, don’t waste the time of those who do.
Kudos and Happy New Year’s to Matt and Alissa!
This is amazing! Thank you for this!!!!!! Big hugs from a NYC single woman ready for a real man.
Good article tell me something. When you hang out with girls and women you talk a lot hang out spend some quality time getting to know em. Why is it when I ask them out to dinner or wanna be romantic with them, they stop talking to me? What advice would you give a guy who’s had this happens to him all his life.
[…] his blog, Dear single dudes: it’s time to man up, Matt Walsh urges men (and I’d say women too, because it’s easily applicable to them too) to define their […]
TheotherJohn, well women were certainly a lot different years ago compared to today which is what i mean by a good old fashioned woman. And today there are so many very high maintenance women out there looking for a man with money, and years ago many men and women had to struggle to make ends meat.
[…] but I’ve been a follower ever since he wrote an incredibly refreshing post directing single guys to man up. In a politically correct world where so many of us are afraid to stand up for truth and […]
Ding, Ding, Ding! MATT, YOU WIN THE PRIZE!!! You hit the nail on the head. I can’t express enough on how refreshing it is to read that REAL MEN still exist, know how to formulate a sentence, be a leader, be decisive, initiate, and ACT LIKE AN ADULT. Your blog article describes the type of man I’ve been seeking for years, PRECISELY. I’ve shared this article with others. Congrats to Alissa and you. Thank you, Matt
Typical blue pill nonsense. A perfect example of men who don’t know what they’re talking about trying to “teach” other men. It’s very often the white-knight teachers who will end up being schooled, most likely by the courts and family law industry. Hint: men didn’t opt out because they’re lazy – when you take away the incentive to do something, or make it too risky, or too dangerous or just too damned much work, people just stop. Some men are just better at being objective, even when it comes to relationships, and keep cost/benefit and risk management/tolerance in mind.