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Obama has nominated former Republican Senator Chuck Hagel to be our new Secretary of Defense. Yeah. I know what you’re thinking: YAWN. I’m right there with you. After all, our foreign policy has been an unmitigated catastrophe for many years and I doubt that it will change as long as these bumbling Botoxed Dr. Evils are running the show. Still, I’m contractually obligated to care about this stuff so bear with me as I give it a shot.

 
The Hagel pick is being called “controversial”. Shocking, I realize. Our lives are apparently so empty and miserable that we have to make everything into a controversy just to give us something to talk about. In fact I think our obsession with controversy is, itself, becoming rather controversial. Let’s argue about that for a few days. So why has Chuck Hagel become the latest Outrage Du Jour? Well evidently he has been pretty harsh towards Israel. And by “harsh towards Israel” I mean he was once walking across the street with Prime Minister Netanyahu after a rain storm and he didn’t lay down prostrate in a puddle so that Netanyahu could walk on top of him so as to avoid getting his sainted feet wet. That’s all it takes to be labeled “Anti-Israel” nowadays. 
 
Here are Hagel’s actual “controversial” remarks that have been enough to make him a 21st century Hitler: “I’m not an Israeli senator. I’m a United States senator.” GASP! SHOCK! OUTRAGE! ANTI-SEMITE! On another occasion he hatefully growled, “The Jewish lobby intimidates a lot of people up here.” SCANDAL! HATE CRIME! ARREST THIS MAN! Ironically, the reaction to his “Jewish lobby” comment actually proves his point rather effectively. And what exactly is the problem with what he said? Are we now denying that a Jewish lobby exists? There’s a lobby for everyone and everything. There’s a Christian lobby, a Muslim lobby, a gay lobby, an old people lobby, even all the buildings have lobbies. Lobbies, aside from the architectural structures, are in the business of intimidating. And bribing. And buying. It’s what they all do. But any time a politician has the gumption to point it out the peanut gallery has him tossed out the swinging doors like a drunk guy in an old western movie. We’re ridiculous. All of us. What the hell is wrong with us? We punish people for making truthful statements and then turn around and whine, “Why won’t anyone tell the truth!” Because they don’t want to be tarred and feathered by a violent mob of self-contradicting nitwits, that’s why. Only people who have never told the truth into a microphone don’t understand why people are hesitant to tell the truth into a microphone.
 
It’s astoundingly stupid that anyone would attack Hagel for simply stating that he’s not an Israeli senator and his primary loyalty is to the United States. Shouldn’t they all say that? Is there a man or woman in the Senate who actually disagrees with his sentiment? If so, kindly point them out so they can be arrested for treason. Because that’s what it is, isn’t it, when you put the interests of a foreign government over that of your constituents? Senator Lindsey Graham, a profoundly idiotic man who looks like Matt Stone turned my grandmother into a South Park cartoon, called the Hagel selection an “in-your-face nomination”. Lindsey, I could see you running the morning shift at Joann Fabrics, but every time I’m reminded that people have actually voted you into the United States Senate, I weep inside. Please shut up. And I only ask you to shut up because you are a blabbering dolt and a dangerous Neocon degenerate, bless your heart.
 
It makes zero sense for United States citizens to be ideologues when it comes to Israel. I’m not “for” or “against” them. I don’t get into this mindless game of developing a “position” on an entire country. What’s next? Are we going to kill each other to defend the honor of our favorite color? It’s hard enough dealing with our own corrupt government, it’s almost impossible to do it on an international scale. Because that’s what we’re talking about, by the way. When you say “I support Israel” you are saying “I support the Israeli government”. You might claim you support their people and not their government, but the 3 billion dollars a year, the diplomatic favors, the military assistance, all of that goes to the government. How could so many conservatives who are so rightly skeptical of OUR government have such a childish love for a FOREIGN government? I don’t support the Israeli government. I don’t support our government. And that’s not because I’m anti-this or pro-that, it’s simply because I’m paying attention. Beyond that, I “support” all people all over the world. I wish them all nothing but the best. If it were possible I’d join hands with everyone and sing songs about sharing and love and happiness. But it’s not so instead I’ll just send out my good vibrations, as Shakespeare (or maybe it was the Beach Boys?) said, and carry about my business as a citizen of one country and only one country. 
 
I’m not a Chuck Hagel expert. Surprisingly, I’ve never had much of a need in my life to know or care about some guy named Chuck from Nebraska. Maybe there’s a good reason to oppose him. Maybe he skins puppies like Cruella Deville. Maybe he drinks from public water fountains with his mouth directly on the nozzle. Maybe he’s the worst person in the history of this week. But if his only crime is refusing to buy Netanyahu a friendship bracelet and invite him for a sleepover, I’ve got no problem with the guy. 
 
But I do have a problem with the fools who would call you a Neo-Nazi because you’d rather that three billion a year stay in American households rather than Israeli politicians’ wallets.
 
 

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