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The internet has lathered itself into utter frenzied adulation about Stephen Colbert’s recent satirical segment highlighting the openly gay mayor of a town called Vicco. This tiny community is located in Kentucky, my state of residence, and it earned the Colbert treatment due to its passage of a “fairness ordinance.” This law, also in effect here in Lexington, bans private individuals and businesses from doing things that the local government sees as discriminatory against homosexuals. Needless to say, any law that ostensibly prevents (subjectively defined) discrimination against trendy minority groups must be immediately embraced without any intellectual discussion about any of the inherent constitutional and ethical implications! The entire gay rights movement rests on freedom of association, and to enforce that freedom we must obliterate that exact freedom in the realm of private business. I know this seems like a complicated equation, but you’ll get the hang of it eventually. Just remember: Gays should be free to choose who they marry because of freedom of association, but business owners shouldn’t be free to choose who they do business with because only bigots believe in freedom of association.

The Colbert piece was heartwarming because it showed how a town of southern conservatives managed to come together, rallying around their gay mayor, to once and for all take a stand against private businesses, property rights, and free speech. These things must always come in second when we’ve got bigotry and intolerance to stamp out. Colbert communicated the anti-bigotry and pro-tolerance message in the usual manner: by labeling southern Christians as “inbred yokels,” “rednecks,” “hicks,” and “backwoods bible thumpers.” Take it from a Kentucky resident — we always find metropolitan liberals compelling and convincing when they coat their message in a thick layer of scorn and contempt. I mean, to call people “inbred” is about as demeaning and insulting as you can get, which is why it’s the sort of language you should definitely use when criticizing said “inbreds” for being judgmental and intolerant.

There’s nothing like watching a bunch of enlightened progressives howl with laughter at the mere sight of a small southern town to let us know that they are truly and sincerely concerned about making sure everyone is accepted and loved. Hey, I bet Colbert could do a 7 minute satirical hit piece on inner city black culture, sprinkling various derogatory terms throughout, and everyone would admire him just as much! You know, black churchgoers are generally very opposed to gay marriage, I’m sure left wing comedians and liberal commentators will start mercilessly degrading them for it any day now.

Colbert made the insightful and important point that “fairness ordinances” can only be opposed by bigots. He demonstrated this by sticking a camera in front of an elderly Eastern Kentucky small town pastor and waiting for him to say something about gays going to hell. The pastor eventually did, which unequivocally represents and summarily discredits the opinions of everyone who fails to support these laws. It’s totally fair and constructive to randomly select one inflammatory individual in some tiny town in Kentucky and paint him as the spokesman for the entire conservative movement. Conversely, it’s completely misleading and offensive to find some half naked exhibitionist drag queen at a gay pride festival in San Francisco and position him as a representative of the entire gay rights movement. I know this gets confusing, but these are the rules.

Some might wonder how these fairness ordinances actually manifest themselves when implemented. Well, I can tell you from experience because my town adopted one a few years ago. Basically, it does two things: 1) Immediately changes the hearts and minds of everyone in the vicinity, because history proves that it always works out well when governments try to force people to adopt a certain belief system. 2) Punishes private business owners for having a value system that strays from the mainstream. Listen, if you aren’t familiar with these laws (not that a lack of basic information on a subject should stop anyone from having an opinion about it) you might be under the impression that “anti-discrimination” ordinances are designed to prevent egregious and violent forms of bigotry and prejudice. Well, you’ll be relieved to know that they, in fact, control and manipulate behavior on a much smaller and far pettier level.

In fact, a local business here in Lexington has been brought up on human rights violations after running afoul of our fairness law. The fugitive in question operates a t-shirt company called Hands on Originals. Last year, the folks organizing the local gay pride festival came to him and asked him to make the t-shirts for the event. The owner — in an act of bigotry that would make Hitler cringe — actually told the festival organizers that he is a conservative Christian and he can not, in good conscience, make shirts that would serve as advertisements for something he finds morally objectionable. This crazy Christian for some reason thought it uncouth to involve himself in an event that features both a bounce house for kids and a drag show. Clearly, only a raging murderous homophobe would find that situation even slightly uncomfortable.

This disobedience could not be allowed to stand. One can not be free to run their private business according to their religious convictions because that would surely lead to chaos, anarchy and cannibalism. The bigoted, backwoods, hickish, inbred, redneck, bible thumping piece of intolerant trash offered to refer the gay pride festival officials to other t-shirt companies that would make the shirts for a cheaper price, but, sorry hillbilly, that’s not good enough. The gay rights crusaders, who would never bully anyone, spent the next several months trying to see to it that his business was shutdown and he was brought up on human rights charges. They succeeded, and thank God for that. His refusal to make shirts for a gay pride festival is just as degrading as slavery, and should be treated just as harshly. We all have an inalienable right to get t-shirts from Hands on Originals in Lexington, Kentucky, and nobody should have the power to infringe on that right, least of all the guy who actually owns the business.

But why am I telling you this? I’m sure all of the bloggers and Facebookers who linked to the Colbert video and heaped praise upon it certainly took the time to research the background of the issue it addresses. So let us all celebrate the fact that the Orwellian thought police have made great inroads in our culture, even infiltrating the southern towns populated by dirty, mangy, disgusting backwoods bigots. Oh, and also always remember to be tolerant and accepting of everyone.

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