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Seriously, it hurts. Stop it, will ya? Yesterday I walked by a church and the pastor barreled out of the door, ran into the street, screamed “BIBLE!” and chucked it right at my head.

Well, that didn’t LITERALLY happen. But he did say, “good afternoon, God bless,” which is basically the same thing.

In any case, Christians are always shoving their religion in people’s faces. Everything they say, every position they hold, every thought they express — it’s all RELIGION. Even if they don’t explicitly say, “I think this because of my religion,” we all know the score. If it comes from RELIGION, as a secularist, I must hate it. If it’s been heavily influenced or transformed by RELIGION or RELIGIOUS people, I must hate it. That’s why I’m not a big fan of art, architecture, democracy, science, medicine, philosophy, astronomy, the university system, the abolition of slavery, America, Natural Law, Natural Rights, mathematics, the justice system, literature, music, and civilization.

Devious. Devious Christians. It’s like they have this secret plot and they use all of these methods to subversively give glory to their fake sky wizard. That’s a good line, isn’t it? I take this idea of God; the uncaused cause, the first mover, the Creator, the Absolute, the Answer to the riddle that no quantum physicist has ever been able to solve, and I equate it to a “wizard.” As if belief in dimensions of existence that transcend our physical plane can somehow be fairly compared to belief in magical Disney creatures. It’s an effective tactic, isn’t it? Aquinas, DaVinci, Shakespeare, Washington — most of the intellectual giants and great leaders in the past two thousand years have been guided by this conviction, but I can utterly dismiss it with one sarcastic and belittling phrase. There are thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of pages of Christian apologetics written by some of the smartest men and women to ever walk the face of the Earth, yet I can chalk it all up to something as absurd as the Tooth Fairy. And you know what? I can do that without even reading ANY of those pages! You know why? Because I’m a critical thinker, my friend.

A critical thinker — I think about criticizing things. And then I do, without understanding the depth, enormity and beauty of that which I mock.

Stupid Christians. Stupid Christians and their “truth.” You know what they do, don’t you? They all meet in dark rooms around small tables and plot their continued peaceful takeover of the planet. That’s why they prowl all over the Earth, trying to spread their “message” to the disaffected masses. These people – they’re everywhere. You can’t find a single corner, crevice, desert, or third world wasteland that isn’t infested by Christians and their “charities”, and their “hospitals”, and their “ministries”. Believe me, I’ve tried. Sure, it’s getting better here in this country. Christians did the work of settling, building and establishing our nation, but then, in the 1960s, us anti-theists chimed in and said, “thanks, but we’ll take it from here.” There just wasn’t nearly enough nudity, drug usage, and nihilistic apathy, and we knew there never would be if Christians kept running the show. Oh, AND we led the Civil Rights Movement.

Well, the icon of Civil Rights was a reverend, but still.

I’ve tried to escape these Christians. I went to Ethiopia, thinking, surely, I’ll be free of their propaganda in this forsaken pocket of poverty and misery. But what did I see? Christians. Christians down there in the muck and the dirt, serving and loving and healing. Nobody else. Just them. They can never mind their business, can they? Oh don’t give them credit for this “charity.” They’re only doing it out of obedience, reverence and faith. Selfish jerks.

And so I left that place and I traveled east, and then south, and then back north, and still I found them. Everywhere, I found them. I found them in places where their kind is tortured, murdered and persecuted. But they remain. They stay and they spread their Gospel like a virus. It’s quite sad to see those who are brainwashed by it. They smile in the face of pain and sing songs of praise — PRAISE — while they suffer. Christians are far more ravenous and extreme in destitute countries. Hopefully the Christians in America never borrow even a fraction of the enthusiasm and passion that their brothers and sisters in the Third World possess. I think we’ll be safe from such a thing as long as American Christians remain comfortable, lethargic, and spoiled. God willing! I mean, well, you get my point.

Sometimes, when I see how Christians behave when confronted with hardship, I think of a particularly egregious case of Christianity-induced mania. See, there was a man named Father Maximillian Kolbe; he was a priest who was arrested by the Nazis and taken to Aushwitz. One day three prisoners escaped from the camp, which prompted the guards to pick ten men to be starved to death in an underground cell. Upon being selected for execution-by-starvation, one man screamed, “My wife! My children!” Father Kolbe heard his plea and volunteered to die in his stead. The guards agreed and summarily brought Kolbe and nine others into the bunker to be murdered.

Well, Kolbe was a Christian. The other men, while likely not all Christians, were still people of great faith in the sky wizard. So what did they do? They sang! They sang songs and prayed and rejoiced. The other prisoners could hear the songs coming from the death chamber at all hours of the day. For TWO WEEKS these people proclaimed praises to their “god.” Finally, after over 14 days, with Maximillian Kolbe the only one left alive, the guards had to come in and give him a lethal injection.

In stark contrast to this sort of story — one of thousands — we’re fortunate that many Christians in this country, in this day and age, are too afraid to even put “Christian” under “religion” on their Facebook profiles.

But, tragically, not all are quite so cooperative. Some of them still walk around flinging their Bibles all over the place.

What’s so special about this “Bible,” anyway?

It’s a book written and compiled before the printing press; preserved and protected by the blood of many millions; passed through the ages in spite of the countless attempts by marauders and tyrants to erase it from existence. In all of history, no book has been read by more people, nor changed as many lives, nor spurred as many acts of courage and heroism, nor driven men and women to advance civilization like the Bible. But what’s the big deal? It’s the most influential piece of writing of all time, hands down, no contest, without question, but so what? Why should people be kind of psyched about it? Why should it be in our schools? It’s just history’s single most important collection of writings, that’s all. I scoff at it. I scoff at it and all who have died to preserve it.

There’s violence in the Bible, didn’t you hear? VIOLENCE. The first half of the book largely chronicles the plight of ancient man as he strove to shed the shackles of sin and chaos. It is utterly scandalous to my virgin eyes that such a tale would include death and suffering. No! I want the Bible to be a fairy tale. Or, wait, actually I’m ACCUSING the Bible of being a fairy tale. But then why is it so real, raw and challenging? Well, it’s a fairy tale that should be more like a fairy tale. Or something.

Oh, there are other things, sure. A few musing here and there. The Sermon on the Mount, for instance, is the most revolutionary and transformative speech ever delivered in the history of mankind. It’s not exactly a Bill Maher monologue, but it’s OK.

There are a few mentions of love and sacrifice. A few bones are thrown that direction; like the entire New Testament, which is the greatest tale of love and sacrifice ever told. But it’s no Sleepless in Seattle, that’s for certain.

Whatever else the Bible is, it’s definitely one thing above everything: a lie. Lies stacked on top of lies. So how did this lie come to fool billions across the globe? That’s easy to explain. See, a few poor ancient fishermen in the middle of a desert decided to travel across the region and tell a bunch of stories they fabricated out of whole cloth. Oh, I should mention that these poor obscure nobodies also happened to be the greatest geniuses to ever live, which is how they were able to dream up this intricate tale that would captivate billions for two millennia and change the course of human history forever. Or maybe they didn’t make up the Jesus stuff. Jesus actually existed and HE was the smartest man to ever live; it was he who came up with this belief system that would sweep the planet and change the course of human civilization. But if Jesus was such a brilliant, wise and good man, he wouldn’t have erroneously claimed to be the Messiah. So maybe his followers added that in later on. But if they were loyal followers to Jesus and willing to give their lives to spread his philosophy across the world, why would they purposefully distort his teachings in such a drastic way? So perhaps Jesus DID claim to be the Messiah and he duped those poor men. But to claim such a thing would make him either a maniac or a liar. How could he be a lying sociopath AND possess a moral insight unmatched by any other human, past or present? But how could he by a maniac and a man of such lucidity and insight?

Well, there are many options here for anyone who wishes to find any possible way to reject the first option: that it’s all real and true.

However the lie began, we know where it led. These peasants with no education and no resources traveled by foot, by mule, and by boat throughout the region and beyond, telling lies and fables to many people. In the immediate sense, they promised nothing but hardship and suffering to those who joined their cult, and the Apostles themselves stood to gain nothing from any of this. They were eventually killed, and, for centuries, anyone who followed them risked — and often met — the same fate.

Yet in the face of unimaginable odds and violent hostility, these falsehoods claimed the world. How could this have happened?

Can it be stopped? I hope so. But first Christians will have to learn to keep their religion to themselves. They’ll have to stop throwing their Bible around everywhere they go. They’ll have to forget about everything it took to bring their faith to them. They’ll have to stop being Christian.

And then maybe we can all get some peace and quiet.

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