I’ve long been one of the few with the courage to talk about the greatest political scandal, and also the greatest act of collective prejudice, of our time: Our refusal to elect a president with facial hair. In fact, this year we marked an ignominious anniversary. It has now officially been one hundred years since a follically enhanced man has graced the White House. Howard Taft — the gentleman with a name that immediately indicates a bushy mustache — was our last fuzzy faced president. What happened? Why did we decide that guys in positions of leadership should not betray any visible signs of active testosterone?
At some point, we made the decision that we don’t want the prominent men of our society to look like Vikings, lumberjacks, Old Testament prophets, Greek philosophers, Civil War generals or Jesus. Instead, it was determined, we must produce dudes with the facial characteristics of Girl Scouts. This has proven to be a disastrous strategy. Especially considering the studies I’ve read this week that PROVE through SCIENCE and INFORMATION and STUDIES that hairy-faced fellows are more handsome, more healthy, more youthful and vibrant, more charitable and more likely to cut down a tree, raid a village, or write philosophical works, than their beardless counterparts.
Yet, in spite of this, we still require our politicians to have faces like school girls, and many employers openly discriminate against beards, mustaches, five o’clock shadows, mutton chops, goatees, etc. We are a persecuted class. Our manliness intimidates the weak and the vulnerable. But just wait until these hypocrites need a Red Sea to be parted, or someone to lead a cavalry in a bayonet charge, and they’ll be begging the first bearded dude they can find. There’s something else many people don’t understand: We couldn’t be clean shaven even if we wanted to be. It’s physically impossible. Our manliness levels are too high. I haven’t had a face as smooth as Mitt Romney’s since my mom forced me to shave before my first grade chorus recital.
I think the world needs more men of distinction to put down the razor and embrace their masculinity. Whatever the problems in this world, I’m certain they aren’t caused by TOO MUCH manliness. In fact, I’m pretty sure the roots of our troubles can be traced, at least in part, to our insistence that all men must have the face of a figure skater.