Gather ’round, folks, ’cause I wanna tell you a story. This here is a legend. It’s a folk legend passed down through the generations. My daddy told it to me, his daddy told it to him, and now I’m tellin’ it to you.
See, as the story goes, a long, long, long time ago — way back in 2003 — there were these people called “Anti-War Liberals.” They were called “anti-war” because they were really, really, super-duper opposed to war. They believed in peace, you see? They didn’t think any country should be runnin’ around shootin’ and killin’ all willy nilly-like. These Anti-War Liberal folks knew that we had no right to be invadin’ another nation just to take its resources, or put a military base on its soil. They said we should mind our own got-danged business and stop interferin’ in them international type affairs.
Well, imagine their outrage when an evil American warlord named George Bush decided to go to war with a country called Iraq. Bush claimed that Iraq had “WMDs”. That means “weapons of mass destruction,” which is any device capable of inflicting a lotta damage and casualties — such as a nuclear bomb or a soda bottle filled with Draino. Anyway, ol’ Bush got up there in front of the TV and said, “We’re gonna invade Iraq and kill that there son of a gun Saddam Hussein!”
Oh boy. Needless to say, the Anti-War Liberals were NOT happy. Oh no they wasn’t. They took to the streets with signs and posters and acoustic guitars. They stomped and screamed and said they was sick of all the killin’ and the shootin’. They said “No blood for oil!” Gosh, it seemed like you couldn’t walk down the road in any major American city without comin’ across a white guy in dreadlocks yellin’ about the war and makin’ historically inaccurate Hitler-Bush comparisons.
The Anti-War Liberals kept at it for years and years. They never stopped talkin’ about how we needed to end the wars and get outta the Middle East entirely.
But then, suddenly, outta nowhere — they vanished. POOF! Gone! Nowhere to be found. To this day, nobody knows what happened to ’em. It’s unexplainable. See, we were still fightin’ in wars overseas and troops was still occupyin’ all kinda countries, but the Anti-War Liberals just disappeared. It was 2008 when the Anti-War Liberals went missin’, and nobody’s heard or seen from ’em since. It was like when the settlers disappeared from Roanoke. Had they been eaten by cannibals? Did they all fall into a wormhole and get themselves stranded in another dimension?
Some people have come up with some crazy theories to explain the phenomenon. Some folks claim that the Anti-War Liberals NEVER EXISTED! I know, that kinda blew my mind the first time I heard it, too. But maybe there never were any Anti-War Liberals? Shoot, anything’s possible at this point.
All we know is that since 2008 our new Warlord has been sendin’ troops hither and yon, and bombin’ villages, and givin’ guns to militants all over the globe, yet ain’t nobody takin’ to the streets to complain about it. And now Warlord Obama is plannin’ on invadin’ a country called Syria. And — doncha know it — he’s using the EXACT SAME EXCUSE Bush used. Obama claims the Syrian dictator has chemical weapons. ‘Cept there’s really solid evidence that the rebels, who we’ve been helpin’, are the ones who used the chemical weapons, killin’ lotsa innocent folks in the process.
We know that the rebels have been murderin’ and slaughterin’ innocent civilians — one of them even filmed himself eatin’ a human heart. In fact, gettin’ involved in Syria would be a thousand times worse than what we did in Iraq ’cause we’d be specifically fightin’ for a gang of rapists, killers, cannibals and terrorists. But Warlord Obama is so intent on gettin’ his hands in this thing that he’s gonna risk WWIII for the sake of it. It would be the first time ever in history that a World War has been started by a Nobel Peace Prize recipient.
He’s gonna plunge us into a conflict that doesn’t concern us; fightin’ for bad guys who kill women and children; he’s gonna convince us to accept it by lyin’ and propagandisizin’; and he’s gonna do it all without congressional approval. Where’s an Anti-War Liberal when you need him? We’re gonna help Al Qaeda take over the Syrian government. That sure seems like somethin’ that would grind the gears of anyone who calls themselves anti-war.
But the Anti-War Liberals ain’t around. Perhaps they were all kidnapped by pirates or abducted by aliens. Or, another theory is that they’re just a bunch of cowardly fraudulent posers who never gave a crap about war in the first place.
I dunno. I’m goin’ with the pirates, personally.
So that’s the story of the Mysterious Vanishing Anti-War Liberal. Some folks say that they’re still out there. Maybe they’re right. Some nights I swear I can still smell a waft of body odor, sandals and cheap weed in the air.
But it’s probably just my imagination.