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I’ve listened to the arguments and looked at the evidence. There is no doubt that President Obama and Secretary Kerry have presented a convincing case for military intervention in Syria. As they outlined, terrorists, rapists, cannibals, killers and war criminals in that country are being murdered by their government, all because they’re simply attempting to violently overthrow it. Meanwhile, both sides are butchering civilians, but one side may have killed civilians with chemicals, therefore we have to drop bombs and kill more civilians to make a point about not killing civilians. Or maybe we’re going to drop bombs and kill civilians in order to demonstrate the proper and ethical way to incinerate women and children. Certainly it’s perfectly acceptable to behead Christians and exterminate entire villages, which is why we’re aiding and abetting the folks who are doing just that. But to conduct the extermination with chemicals? That’s crossing the line, sir. The RED line. (Unless it was actually the rebels who used the chemical weapons, in which case, hey, stuff happens.)

It all makes perfect sense. And certainly our government is in an unassailable position when it comes to lecturing other leaders about how to deal with rebellion. The United States government would never slaughter its own citizenry, even if the people in this country took to the streets and started shooting state officials. No, our leaders would simply put up their hands and say, “OK, you guys win! We don’t want anyone to get hurt! Here! Take our power from us! Take it!” That’s exactly how it would work, right? Just look at the Civil War. The South didn’t even want to overthrow the government, they just wanted to secede from it, and how did the Feds react? They just said, “Cool, you guys can go. Have a nice day!” They were so peaceful and reasonable about the whole thing, weren’t they?

So our Powers that Be can now sit atop their perch of Moral Righteousness and micromanage the entire globe. They’ve earned that right. Don’t question their methods, peons. You’re not in on the “classified briefings,” OK?

Oh, you want to know how, exactly, America will be made safer by helping Al Qaeda militants topple a foreign government? Well, maybe if you were in the CLASSIFIED BRIEFINGS, you’d understand.

Where is the physical evidence that the government launched the chemical attack, as opposed to the terrorist rebels? Classified briefings.

Didn’t this strategy already blow up in our face in Egypt and Libya? Classified briefings.

In what precise way is our national security threatened by the current president of Syria? Classified. Briefing.

Hey, isn’t it treasonous to provide direct or indirect financial and/or military support to a group, like Al Qaeda, that has declared war on the United States? CLASSIFIED BRIEFINGS. CLASSIFIED BRIEFINGS.

Is this president a reckless, blubbering, narcissistic, power hungry fool? Again, I point you to the classified briefings.

See, a lot of people have hang ups about arbitrary military action overseas, but that’s only because they don’t understand the situation. They don’t seem to grasp the fact that we are in a “Global Community.” Global can be defined as, “worldwide, universal,” and community can be defined as “the people in a particular area.” In other words, the two concepts are literally directly opposed to one another. It makes as much sense to say we live in a spherical cube as it does to say we live in a global community. What does all this mean? Nothing, that’s the point. In modern times we have transcended archaic things like “logic,” and “coherence,” so you can not hold our leaders to such primitive standards. Nothing makes any sense, nobody means anything they say, words don’t have definitions, and the law is meaningless. This, my friends, is the essence of modern enlightenment.

So, yes, invade Syria. Burn it to the ground. Besides, I’m bored and there’s nothing else to do.

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