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Life is full of scary moments, but few more terrifying than seeing a spider on the ceiling when you’re in the shower. You’re vulnerable, exposed, at its mercy. You know you can’t kill the spider in your current state. You need to take certain precautions before going to battle with it, especially considering these three facts about spiders that I assume to be true because I’m paranoid, and because I don’t know any facts about spiders: 1) All spiders are venomous. 2) All spiders can jump distances of up to 50 yards. 3) All spiders are intelligent, devious, and demonic.

So, instead of killing the spider, you just watch it. Monitor it, making sure it never comes too close. But then you are momentarily distracted and when you look back — it’s gone. Panic. The only thing worse than the spider you see is the spider you don’t see. You automatically assume that it must be over on the counter, laying its eggs in the tooth paste, or more likely, it’s in your hair. Next it will crawl into your ear and eat your brain. Spiders do that sort of thing. Fact. Now you know you’re doomed, the spider got the best of you. Your only recourse is to drink the whole bottle of shampoo and slip quietly into death.

They always say that spiders are more afraid of you than you are of them. I don’t know about that. If it’s so afraid of me, what the hell is it doing in my bathroom? If I was scared of a guy, I wouldn’t break into his house and sleep in his shoe or crawl into his bedroom in the middle of the night. If this is how spiders act when they’re afraid of us, I’d hate to see what would happen if they weren’t. They could take over the world in less than a week. Let’s just pray that spiders never realize the power they have.