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Some Democrats are working on pushing a Student Loan Forgiveness Act through Congress. These politicians make the point that college is expensive and many people — fully conscience of that reality — chose to buy a college education anyway. But now these grown adults who are looking to reap the rewards of their university experience don’t want to deal with the economic consequences associated with it. They chose this path, they signed on the dotted line, and now they really don’t want to fulfill their end of the bargain. So they, like, shouldn’t hafta. Ya know?

Inspired by this, I’ve asked these lawmakers to introduce a few other pieces of legislation: Matt’s Rent and Cable Bill Forgiveness Act, the Matt’s Unpaid Parking Tickets Rescindment Act, and the Other Crap Matt Walsh Would Like His Fellow Citizens to Pay For, Oh and By the Way Can You Spot Him Like 80 Bucks For Gas Money This Week Act.

My fellow Americans, until we have come together to absolve me of the consequences of my own deliberate decisions we can not build a prosperous future. Surely, it is only through heaping the burden of my financial hardships onto everybody else that we can fulfill our national potential! These have been hard times for all of us, but not really for me because I’ve been having a blast up until now. Which is why tough times must become tougher for you so they can stay easier for me. This, my friends, is the only way forward. We will all have to make sacrifices, and by “all” I mean “everyone but myself”.

You see, through the years I have made wildly expensive purchases with money I didn’t have, and now I have an enormous debt because of it. Who can pay this money back? Certainly not I, for I am merely the sole person in the universe responsible for creating this debt. So it must be you. I’ll take the positives that came from my irresponsible expenditures, and leave every bit of negative on your doorstep. This is not a time for partisanship! You are all one, because you are all not me, and as long as it isn’t me paying for the things I bought everything will be OK. This must be a bipartisan effort to compensate for my personal failures and shortcomings. You must have a steely resolve to bankroll every ridiculous decision I make, especially because I’m going to buy a 52 inch LED screen tomorrow and you will, of course, be springing for that as well.

Now is not a time to think of yourself. It’s a time to think of me. Remember, ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for me, Matt Walsh, specifically.

God bless me and me only. Thank you.

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