Junior, don’t put those fruit snacks up your nose. Also, would you like a sex change operation?

Get ready because I’m about to say some really offensive things. I’m about to scandalize you with bigoted and hateful statements. At least, that’s how it will be perceived by a growing segment of our increasingly deranged population.

The Colorado civil rights division has ruled that a school district in the state discriminated against a first grade boy when they refused to let him use the girl’s bathroom. The news reports refer to him as a “her” because, according to his parents, he is “transgendered.” I, on the other hand, call him a “boy” only because he is scientifically, biologically, physically, genetically, chromosomally, actually, really, indivisibly, indisputably male. He is a boy. That’s what he is. Our sex is not subjective nor is it up for further discussion — it just is. It is like our species. We don’t get to choose. These things are decided for us by forces greater than us. You can call that force “nature” if you like, but I call it God. The word “boy” has a meaning, and the word “girl” has a meaning, and I’m not going to dance to the nightmarish tune of modern society and pretend, as everyone else seems to do, that these definitions are somehow fluid and reversible. There is, of course, a rare case when a human is born with a physical deformity that makes the gender issue a bit more convoluted, but this is not one of those cases. Those cases are extraordinarily uncommon. We are not talking about those cases here.

Now, back to the boy. He’s a boy but he is confused and he thinks he’s a girl. He needs help and guidance, instead he gets enabling adults who say “Well, if you think you’re a girl then you are!” Which is about as grounded in reality as Peter Pan’s philosophy that you can fly if you really believe you can. Leave it to the “pro-science” folks to actually assert that our genetic and biological realities can somehow be altered just because we want them to be. That’s not just an inaccurate view — it’s intensely anti-scientific and brazenly dogmatic. It’s also savagely self centered for the adults involved in this case to intentionally drive this poor child deeper into his delusion in order to help themselves feel more progressive and trendy.

I read an article in the New York Times that gleefully reported on the commission’s proclamation that anyone who says they are something they aren’t must be treated as what they aren’t even if it comes as an imposition on those who’d rather not participate in this psychologically destructive charade. The report tells us that the kid, Coy, was “born a boy” but “started identifying as a girl after just a few years.” Yes. A few years. A few years into his life. So how old was he? Three? A freaking three year old says he’s a girl and his parents go along with it? He just learned to walk and speak and now he’s making decisions about which chromosomes he should have? He’s not nearly old enough to walk into the front yard unsupervised yet he can switch genders of his own volition? The kid is barely potty trained and they let him decide his own physiological identity? He’s THREE. Are we so rabidly psychotic in this country that we can’t all — every single one of us — condemn any notion at all that a three year old can “choose” his own “gender identity”? It’s still fifteen years until society will trust him to vote, or graduate high school, or move out of the house, yet he’s old enough to reject his own biology? The kid is so young that you have to child lock the cabinets but he’s not too young to disavow his reproductive organs? He doesn’t even know what a girl is and they let him become one? What does it mean when a three year old says he thinks he’s a girl? He might as well say he thinks he’s a gosituflsjuikuysikk. Do you know what gosituflsjuikuysikk is? It’s nothing. It’s gibberish. It’s nonsensical. It’s exactly the same as a toddler saying he thinks he’s supposed to have a vagina.

He’s still a good 9 or 10 years from puberty yet he has decided that he’d rather undergo that process as a girl (with the aid of drugs and surgeries). And that’s cool, apparently. When I was three I thought I was a velociraptor. But my discriminatory and close minded parents didn’t march me to the plastic surgeon to have my teeth sharpened and my skin peeled off and replaced with scales. Right wing nut jobs! I’m a toddler! Why shouldn’t I be able to decide my own species identity?!

Another Times article about young Coy starts this way: “Coy Mathis was born a boy. But after just a few years, biology succumbed to a more powerful force. A buzz cut grew into long hair. Jeans gave way to pink dresses.”

A more powerful force. A more powerful force made his hair grown and his jeans turn into dresses. That, or maybe hair sort of grows naturally and it will keep growing on a child if his parents don’t take him to the barber. And maybe the toddler wore dresses because his parents put him in dresses. Follicles grow and toddlers wear whatever the hell their parents dress them in. Or, right, it could be the powerful forces.

If you defend any part of this story don’t you dare ever call anything “unscientific” ever again. Don’t you dare. If you’re on board with the mystical forces that magically dress boy babies in pink and put ribbons in their hair, you officially lose your right to speak about science. I will enforce this rule. I don’t know how, but I will. Maybe with the help of some powerful forces.