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Someone sent me an article that outlines Beyonce’s concert rider — her list of frills and luxuries she requires at every venue. Most of the “big time” singers make absurd demands like this, but it can be fun to get a window into just how pretentious and obnoxious these people are:

Among other things, she requires 900 dollars worth of custom titanium drinking straws that she will use to consume her specialized alkaline water. She needs the dressing rooms to be painted off white, because other colored walls greatly trouble her, and she needs hand carved balls of ice provided to her after the show. She needs red toilet paper, because white toilet paper is SO cliche, and a new toilet seat at every location. All of the concert crew must be dressed in cotton garments, because denim profoundly disturbs her. Nobody is allowed to eat junk food backstage. Only oatcakes, almonds and green vegetables served in glass dishes are allowed.

Ok, pretty frivolous, yes. But I must be fair. I, as a local mid market non-syndicated talk radio host and filthy rich thousandaire, have my own list of demands that I have made of every radio station I’ve worked for.

Here is the Matt Walsh rider:

-There must be walls. I refuse to do my show in a tent or a lean-to.
-I prefer that the roof have as few holes as possible, but this can be negotiated.
-I require a microphone that isn’t caked in decades old spittle and various infectious bacteria.
-I must have a computer that is younger than me.
-I insist on an Internet browser that can handle three tabs being open at once, without causing the computer to explode.
-I demand a coffee maker that produces coffee, rather than coffee-flavored motor oil.
-I need a keyboard that isn’t peppered with crumbs and dandruff.
-Toilet paper in the bathroom would be preferable.

These are my demands. They have never been met.

I need to stop being such a diva.