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I know my friends and family on the east coast are dealing with this “historic” winter storm. Of course nowadays “historic” simply means “any event of any kind that the media reports on”. In fact, here in Kentucky we’re dealing with some historic drizzle. I imagine in the spring we’ll have historically mild temperatures, followed by a historically hot summer, a historic fall with leaves changing a…t a historic rate, and then another historic winter. History, as they say, is made every day. Or in this case hyperbolized every day.

That’s not to diminish the severity of this storm. Multiple feet of snow will fall. That literally hasn’t happened since the last time it happened. Personally, I’m quite shocked that it would snow in a place where it snows. So, as a suburbanite who is an expert at surviving when my survival is in no way threatened, I’d like to impart a step by step process to help you through this weather event:

1) Find someone with a roof and walls on their house and seek shelter.

REMEMBER: Do NOT run naked through the blizzard. Please refrain from attempting to defrost your car with a Molotov cocktail. 

And by God I hope you’ve already stockpiled eggs and toilet paper. If you haven’t, you’re as good as dead. You fool. May the Lord have mercy on you.