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President Obama continues to fulfill the promises he made by running, with integrity and moral clarity, the most transparent administration in the history of the universe. Already he has proven how much he values accountability, openness, and honesty by taking unprecedented steps: Spying on journalists, threatening prosecution of reporters who report on the activities of government officials, going after whistleblowers more aggressively than any previous administration, blackmailing and threatening leakers, using the IRS to subdue political opposition, declaring the authority to assassinate American citizens without charge or trial, monitoring the phone records of every single person who lives in the country, using executive privilege to cover up documents linking the White House to a gun running operation on the southern border, miring the country in dozens of scandals and then refusing to answer questions about them, etc. This man has been nothing but a bastion of honor and fidelity. Look up the word “ethics” in the dictionary and you will surely find the hallowed image of Obama’s face right beside it.

And just when we thought the man couldn’t possibly be a better example of executive veracity and virtue, we hear about the latest news from the Most Transparent Administration of All Time. Obama has begun to implement something called the Insider Threat Program. This is a sweeping effort to smoke out the whistleblowers and leakers from the government by forcing federal employees to spy on each other — and imposing criminal penalties on the ones who refuse. Obama has ordered bureaucrats to engage in behavioral profiling of their coworkers, in an attempt to predict who poses a potential “threat.” Employees and contractors are told to particularly pay attention to their coworkers’ behaviors, attitudes and lifestyles as a way to tell if they may eventually do harm to the government. Over 5 million federal workers will undergo training on how to properly monitor their peers. Basically, millions of government employees are being threatened and cajoled into suspiciously profiling their friends and team members, and then ratting them out to higher ups based on what they think the person might do at some point in the future. Essentially, pretend the Soviets won the Cold War and then conquered the United States — that’s how the government is operating. And I love it because it makes me feel super safe and cozy.

Actually, I thought I’d help Our Supreme Leader by coming up with a handy guide to spying on, monitoring, and ratting out your fellow citizens. This is something we can all do — not just government workers! Come on, let’s work together, cynically profile our neighbors and friends, and then drag them in front of the authorities to be imprisoned or executed! It’ll be fun! Hopefully, if we work hard enough, we can root out anyone who would ever put our country at risk by criticizing the infallible activities of this administration!

A Guide to Profiling Your Friends and Neighbors (FAQ)

-Help! I think my coworker might be a potential terrorist! What should I do?

Ok, first, keep calm. Yes, he’s probably a vicious villain plotting to murder you where you stand, but there’s still a chance you can make it out of this alive. Remember, if you have any reason to suspect that anyone around you might be a threat to the agenda of government elites — and thereby a threat to humanity as a whole — the first thing to do is immediately contact your supervisor. Don’t worry about destroying an innocent man’s life. Chances are he’s a terrorist. Recent DHS data shows that, on average, 8 out of 10 citizens are terrorists, future terrorists, potential terrorists, pseudo-terrorists, or could be terrorists depending how how you define “could” and “terrorist.” Here’s the motto to live by: When in doubt, rat him out!

-OK, I have no problem being a prowling goon for the President, but what warning signs should I be looking out for? How do I know if my friend, neighbor, coworker, boss, wife, or child might be a threat to the security of the country, the earth, and the galaxy?

You’re asking the right question, and you’re showing a complete and total willingness to submit to the demands of the oligarchy. This is a good start. Here are some warning signs that someone probably poses a profound and terrifying risk to the very existence of this nation:

1) They do not bow their heads in reverence whenever President Obama’s glorious name is mentioned.
2) They display anti-collectivist behavior. This could be anything from a refusal to put a trendy gay rights equal sign as their Facebook photo, or ignorance of the latest exploits of the hottest pop culture celebrities. Someone who won’t buy into trends and fads must be looked at with intense suspicion. What are they up to? Why are they so stubborn? Could it be that they are plotting to murder and maim thousands of people? Probably.
3) They have a propensity to voice opinions that fall outside of Approved Opinion Guidelines. Have you ever heard them question Global Warming or infanticide? Have they publicly stated their opposition to gun control or the food stamp program? If so, they are likely psychotic criminals on the verge of a bloody rampage. Keep a safe distance. Cover your ears when they speak. Alert the authorities immediately!
4) They have ever been heard using vulgar words like “constitution.” The c-word can be acceptable as long as it is accompanied by qualifying phrases such as “out dated,” “irrelevant,” “racist,” and/or “living document.” If you ever encounter someone who uses this word with offensive and hateful qualifiers like “important,” “protects liberty,” or “must be restored,” make sure to flee from them with haste and report these threats and harassment to government authorities.

-What sort of lifestyle is an indicator of possible terrorist activity?

First of all, never judge someone by the way they choose to live. Unless they choose to live as a conservative Christian or small government libertarian, in which case please hate them with the fury of a thousand demons. We must never make assumptions about someone based on who they have sex with. But we should always assume that religious zealots are dangerous maniacs. When confronting someone like this, follow these two steps: 1) Mock them mercilessly. Make sure to say some hilarious stuff about how they believe in “fairies” and “magical sky wizards.” Also, throw in a few digs about the Pope’s funny hat , because why not? Finally, continue to degrade them relentlessly. 2) Report their risky activities and suspicious affiliations to the nearest federal agent.

-But didn’t Obama take office promising unity? It seems he’s done nothing but intentionally breed discord, distrust, cynicism, suspicion and conflict amidst the citizenry.

Only a racist piece of filth would ask this question. That said, the question deserves an answer. Please, if you’re thinking this way, send the DHS your name and Social Security number. An agent will come to your house to discuss the matter personally.

Remember, President Obama is counting on YOU to help destroy freedom and liberty for all! Don’t let him down, or he’ll have your entire family incinerated with hellfire from above.