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Wow, did you guys hear about this? Color me flabbergasted because I just can’t believe what’s going on. First some background: There is this thing called the IRS. It is a government agency, and their job is to forcibly confiscate the private wealth of American families. They take your money, that’s what they do, that’s their entire function. If you earn, gain, save, win or otherwise come across a sum of money, they’ll come in and just help themselves to a sizable portion of it. Your property isn’t yours, it’s theirs — they just let you keep a certain allowance of your own stuff. They don’t even knock on the door and say “hey, we want money”, no they just dip right into your paycheck and take it. If they think you haven’t given them enough, they’ll come after you with the hounds of hell and ruin your life. They will seek you and destroy you if you don’t pay them. They can take your house, your car, your business, they can even have you thrown in jail. You can try to protest and say, “whoa, wait a minute guys, I don’t want to give you money because you’ll use it to fund abortion clinics and foreign government puppet regimes overseas.” They’ll listen, and then giggle, and then take what they want regardless. They are, in every way, exactly like the mafia. You must pay them for the privilege of existing, and if you don’t they’ll punish you without mercy.

So now that you know what the IRS is, here’s the huge, shocking, totally unforeseeable scandal: Apparently they regularly abuse their powers! In other news, the flu is contagious and the ocean is moist. Sorry, I don’t want to keep blindsiding you like this. I know it’s just beyond comprehension that a government agency, whose only job is to steal your money, might lack a certain ethical and moral zeal. I mean geez, what’s next? Are we gonna find out that prostitutes aren’t always chaste? Or that kleptomaniacs make for poor bank tellers? I wouldn’t count anything out at this point. My whole world has been flipped upside down!

All I know is that someone needs to do something! The IRS should only invade my privacy, pilfer my property, and rob me under threat of imprisonment for the RIGHT reasons, damn it! You better follow the protocols and guidelines when you kick me out of my home and lock me in a cage for refusing to give you things that should belong solely to me! I don’t mind tyranny, I just want the tyranny to be within reason. Oppression with kindness, that’s my motto. And I won’t tolerate anything less! No more Mr. Nice Serf. I demand respect and fairness while I’m used, abused and burglarized.