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Happy President’s Day! I can’t wait for the ceremony where they pull the President out of his vacation resort to find out if he can see his shadow. If he does, you know what that means: 60 more years of economic and cultural decay. OK it’s a campy tradition but, you know what, I think it’s super fun! 

Unless I’m getting my holidays mixed up. Oh that’s right, Groundhog’s Day is the one where a furry woodland creature predicts the weather and President’s Day is the totally ridiculous, fictional holiday. With all the people accusing Valentine’s Day of being “made up” I think it’s worth noting that President’s Day is, in fact, literally made up. It doesn’t exist. It’s a creation of mattress warehouses and car dealerships. It might as well be called Buy a Used Kia For Zero Down and Zero Percent Financing Today Only Day. The situation is made all the worse by the bizarre advertising campaigns many of these retailers utilize: “It’s President’s Day, so come on down to Bob’s Dingy Car Lot and show your patriotism by purchasing our foreign-manufactured goods!” 

What’s even more tragic is the fact that this fabricated and meaningless event has completely overshadowed the real and significant holiday buried underneath: George Washington’s Birthday. Today is supposed to be the commemoration of George Washington, not a general recognition of all presidents. All presidents don’t deserve recognition. Many of them don’t deserve any respect. There have been a stream of crooks, liars and cheats in the White House (Exhibit A just gave a State of the Union speech a few days ago). And don’t give me that “we should respect the office” garbage. You know whose job it is to respect the presidential office? The president. The rest of us can respect him if he earns it. Otherwise he gets nothing but suspicion and criticism. This is a republic, not a monarchy. We don’t kneel before the throne and kiss the ring. Chris Rock, of course, would equate President’s Day to Father’s Day but then again Chris Rock is a hack who hasn’t intentionally made anyone laugh since the Clinton administration. 

Today is supposed to belong to George Washington. He earned it. He was not only one of our greatest presidents, but one of the greatest Americans to ever live. He was also a bit of a political prophet. Go back and read his Farewell Address. He warned of political parties, complicated foreign alliances, debt, and abandonment of the constitution, among many other things. In 1796 the man had a greater understanding of America in 2013 than do politicians actually in 2013. He wasn’t perfect but he was a leader. Do you remember what it was like to have on of those in the Oval Office? I sure don’t. 

Today we are supposed to harken back to a time when our ship was captained by men of vision and character. Let’s keep it that way. I really don’t think we need a holiday to pay homage to the morons who steered us into the damn iceberg.