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America, if we had any respect for ourselves, we would send this message to all of our lawmakers:

The internet is ours. It’s our tool. It’s how we tell each other about all the terrible crap you’re doing. It’s how we buy things without paying tribute to Caesar. It’s how we expose and shame you frauds when you do fraudulent and shameful things. You’re welcome to the join in the conversation. You can make your Twitter accounts and your email lists and your social media campaigns. That’s fine, we’ll allow that. Of course we’ll use your social media accounts as a tool to further mock and embarrass you, but that’s the way things work here.

But now, instead of simply taking part in the fun, you’ve got bills in Congress designed to control, tax, monitor and censor the Internet. See, that’s just not going to work for us. Can’t you freaking maniacs get involved in anything without trying to spy on it and steal money from it? Your behavior is insane. I swear, I couldn’t even let you walk my dog without you trying to install a camera and a tracking system up his butt. This is why everyone hates you. You were probably that kid on the playground that nobody wanted to play with because you’d try to change the rules to all the games, and then tattle to the teacher if you didn’t get your way. You deserved to sit alone on the grassy hill while the rest of us played kickball. I just wish you’d have learned to stop being a lame bossy brat, instead of making a living out of it.

I know it pains you to think that there is a place where people can store and exchange information, and you don’t get to access it. And I know it kills you to consider all the people selling and purchasing goods and services without giving you much of a cut. But this is America. You don’t get a piece of everything. You don’t get a say in everything. You might think you’re a bunch of gods and kings, but you’re not. You’re a pack of pushy losers in expensive suits. That’s all. So it’s real simple. If you vote to control, tax, monitor, censor, or otherwise forcibly impose your bull crap on cyberspace, we will vote you out. Period. Regardless of party or tenure. You’re done. One strike and you’re out. Keep your greasy hands off the Internet or we’ll make you get a real job. End of discussion.

There. That’s pretty easy. America, can we agree to adopt this policy?