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The narcissism in this country is off the charts. We’ve collapsed into ourselves. We’ve become black holes, where the interests — the existence, really — of other human entities can not penetrate. My children think they’re the only people in the universe. Literally. They don’t understand the concept of separateness and therefore view all other beings as an extension of themselves. My children were born four weeks ago. It’s OK for them to suffer from this delusion. It’s not OK, however, for adults who were born four decades ago to struggle with this concept.

That brings us to some local news today. The “Human Rights Commission” here in Kentucky — a government agency that is in charge of arbitrarily infringing on business and private property rights — reached a discrimination settlement with an apartment complex. You see, Burlington Woods Apartments found itself charged with discriminatory practices because it has a policy against pets in its rental properties. Apparently, the big fat jerks even stuck to their rules and told some poor woman she couldn’t have a service animal! And by “service animal” I mean “emotional support dog.” According to Wikipedia, an “emotional support animal” is an animal who “provides the therapeutic benefit of companionship and affection.” So, in other words, it’s a “pet.” That’s what all pets do. That’s why people own pets. But, evidently, if you say you are depressed or you have anxiety you then get to bypass any rules or regulations against animals, for the same reason a blind person gets a similar exception. You know, because those two things are, like, exactly the same. On one hand, you’ve got someone who feels stressed out so they like to cuddle with their puppy, and on the other you’ve got someone who can’t see so they use a dog to keep them from walking into traffic. Like I said, exactly the same. Right?


Seriously. I’m getting sick of this bull crap. I’m sick of the fact that we aren’t allowed to look at bull crap and just call it bull crap anymore. That’s bull crap, too. Emotional support animal — bull crap. Plain and simple. Ridiculous, embarrassing, asinine. And I only say that because the designation allows the owner to claim a fabricated “disability” and then walk around and impose their animal on everyone else, and sue anyone who puts up a fuss. For God’s sake, people. We used to build bridges and storm beaches and smoke cigars in bowling alleys and make John Wayne movies in this country. Now we spend our time crying about human rights violations if someone doesn’t allow our emotional support poodle into their business. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US?

Do you know why many apartment complexes forbid dogs? Well, because, for one thing, THEY OWN THE PROPERTY SO SCREW OFF. For another, dogs can cause a lot of damage. For another, some people deliberately look for complexes that don’t allow dogs so they can be free from hearing the barking and stepping on the dog poop. So if you really need your emotional support animal you can find a facility that allows pets. But that might cost a little more and maybe the location is less ideal and, not to mention, you’ve got all those other people with their yapping dogs. In a world that isn’t overrun by egotistical brats, someone who owns a dog would, logically, put up with those sacrifices because that’s the lifestyle they’ve chosen, and they’ve chosen it because their dog is a priority to them. And that’s fine. That’s awesome, actually. Good for them. But we don’t live in that world. We live in a world where that person says “Hey, I’m the most important creature in the universe. Therefore, this business will bend its rules for me, all the other residents will put up with my dog, everyone will tolerate and embrace me, and I’ll do exactly what I want because I have anxiety and I like my doggy so everyone else can go to hell.”

And you know what else? That person wins. That narcissistic wuss wins. Every time. This apartment complex not only has to pay a fine, but it must submit to “monitoring” from the Human Rights Commission for the next few years. All because they enforced an entirely reasonable, understandable and logical rule on their own premises. All because they had the audacity to treat some lady’s “emotional support dog” like any other dog. Damn it. Just, damn it.

The ONLY role government is supposed to have in these situations is to enforce private contracts. Instead, they do the opposite. This person broke the contract she signed with the property owners, yet won the dispute because, although dogs aren’t allowed, her dog is special because her dog makes her super happy. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT VOID A FREAKING CONTRACT? How far does this go? I have anxiety, too. I’m sad sometimes. Mostly because I live in a country where “emotional support dog” is a phrase that actually exists. You know what helps me? If I dress up in a clown costume and ride an electric scooter through the halls of my apartment building at 2AM blowing a kazoo into a megaphone. It’s my Emotional Support Clown Kazoo Scooter Rampage. Sure, it breaks about a dozen apartment rules. Sure, I’m annoying everyone around me. Sure, it’s kind of bizarre. But it makes ME feel good, and that’s all that matters. I’m all that matters. I’m me, after all.

Forget it. If I can’t beat the lunatics, I might as well act as crazy as they do