Divine Secrets of the Feminist Senatorial Candidate

Ashley Judd, star of such well known classics as “Dolphin Tale” and “Tooth Fairy”, will be running for Senate in Kentucky. Normally I would say a wealthy, liberal, feminist actress who lives in Tennessee wouldn’t have much of a shot to win political office in Kentucky. However she does, unfortunately, have a better chance than she should due to two particular factors, and they are: 1) Mitch. 2) McConnell. She’ll be running against ol’ Droopy and she will have in her favor the fact that no human being on the planet has ever been excited about anything Mitch McConnell has done or said. He is like an enthusiasm vacuum. He walks into the room and instantly everyone loses their zeal for life. Fun fact: Mitch McConnell has not adjusted the tone of his voice or his facial expression for 57 years straight. He has the charisma of a paper towel. But it’s been enough to get him reelected 6000 times.

But even with this secret weapon, I’d think that Sister Yaya probably has a tough road ahead. For one thing, she’s an insufferably pretentious B-celebrity, and for another she has a habit of saying horrible things about the people whose votes she will now count on. She exclaimed that it’s “selfish” to have children and that people who “breed” have committed an “unconscionable” act. She compared coal mining to the genocide in Rwanda, equating the destruction of trees and nature to the slaughter of innocent human beings. She has attacked all men, lambasted fathers who give away their daughters at weddings, and, of course, she’s come out against Christianity. To summarize, she is opposed to mothers, fathers, families, faith, and thousands of Kentucky coal workers who she compared to mass murderers. But, I mean, other than that she’s a magnificent candidate.

She’ll just have to hope there’s enough single, atheist, female, childless Gender Studies majors in the state to get her elected.

By the way, I love it when wealthy liberals try to convince us they’re not having kids because of their selfless desire to combat “over population”. Right. Because when I see someone with three houses, ten cars and no children, the first adjective that comes to mind is “selfless”. Oh the sacrifice! These people are heroes! Move over Ghandi and Mother Theresa, there’s a bunch of rich, self-sterilized liberals in need of our adoration.