I just heard on the news that this situation with North Korea presents “difficult diplomatic problems” for Obama. Difficult? Someone please appoint me president and I’ll make it simple for everyone.
Here’s the letter I’d send to North Korea if I was the Commander-in-Chief. Obama, feel free to plagiarize:
Dear Mr. Jong Un,
Bro, do you guys have history books over there? I mean, not the history books that teach little North Korean kids that your dad was born on a holy mountain when a wizard made love to a flying mermaid, or whatever the hell you’re telling them these days. I’m talking about History: Reality Edition. Do you have any of those? Between you and me, we don’t even have very many people versed in that version over here, so I’m guessing you all are completely in the dark. Well, let me give you a quick lesson, specifically in United States military history.
You see, we’ve had too many astonishing military victories to count. That’s not propaganda. This actually happened. Do you at least have the Internet in your palace? Well Wikipedia the battles at Yorktown, San Juan Hill, New Orleans, Normandy, the Bulge, Iwo Jima, Midway, just to name a few. From smacking the Brits back to England to swooping in and toppling Hitler after Europe folded like a beach chair, we’ve taken on, and eviscerated, some intimidating opponents. No offense, bud, but you ain’t one of ’em. Go ahead and lie to your people all you want but don’t buy your own hype, man. I could probably dispatch of your entire government with a few dozen SEALs, Rangers and Marines. That is if you don’t shoot yourselves first. I saw some of the video you released of your military training drills. Was that supposed to be frightening or hilarious? Dude, why are your soldiers screaming and waving their pistols in the air? That’s not, like, something that people actually do in real life. You know that, right?
So here’s the deal, Kimmy: if you launch a rocket of any kind at us, we will shoot it down and then immediately kill you and decimate your entire leadership structure. We will begin to slaughter your military but, fortunately, most of them will defect and surrender because they’re not willing to die for the sake of a pudgy effeminate tyrant like yourself. That won’t be good for your street cred, trust me.
I know most of this bluster is just aimed at making you look good to your own people. By all means, continue. I really don’t care what you tell them. I’m just letting you know, fair warning, don’t be dumb enough to actually act on any of the bull you’re spewing. Cool?
One other thing: I’ve decided that, unlike my predecessors, I’m not going to relegate my best and brightest to babysitting duty. I’d rather have my military men and women here at home, watching their kids grow, than over there watching you waddle around. South Korea, being, as we both know, a far more civilized and economically and technologically advanced nation than your own, is more than capable of defending itself. So I’m shutting down our base over there, along with several others throughout the world. The people manning these facilities are far too smart and talented to leave in obscure outposts, protecting foreign soil and corrupt foreign regimes. I’m sure you’ll spin this as a retreat. Again, go ahead. I really don’t care what lies you have to tell to hang onto your North Korean dictatorship, which was recently ranked by Forbes Magazine as the Crappiest Job in the World.
Of course, you know the truth: I’m leaving due to a complete and utter lack of respect for you and your military. But, again, if you give us a reason to come back over there, we won’t hesitate. And we will rain hellfire upon you with absolute dominance. We will crush you without mercy. Please don’t make us do it.
Have a nice day.
P.S. I have a Dennis Rodman rookie card that I’ll sell to you for like 80 million US dollars. That’s what they go for around here, I swear.