Bless us O Lord and these thy gifts, NOW GIVE ME AN iPHONE

As you may have heard, Black Friday has officially slithered its slimy consumerist tentacles backwards through time and latched onto Thursday, turning what was once regular old Be-With-Your-Loved-Ones-Thanksgiving into Screw-You-Loved-Ones-We’ve-Got-Crappy-Plastic-Toys-to-Buy-Thanksgiving. Several major retailers are opening at 8pm or 9pm on Thursday night. In response employees of these chains have filed petitions with their management protesting the move. These lazy bastards apparently think it’s more important to enjoy fellowship with their families (pffft… families… who needs ’em, amiright?) than to sell flat screens to hoards of pudgy cheapskates.

I can’t tell you how much I hate this. I hated Black Friday already but Black Thanksgiving is just too much to take. Wouldn’t you agree there’s something kind of strange about thanking God for what you have, right before jumping onto a dogpile to grab the last blender on the clearance shelf? Listen, you’re allowed to be “pro-capitalist” and anti-materialistic consumerism. Just because our economy thrives on under-employed people purchasing cartloads of inherently worthless electronics on credit, doesn’t make the practice intrinsically virtuous. Or even remotely wise. Yes there’s always been materialism but back in the dark ages generally only the wealthy would clutter their homes with functionally useless stuff to satisfy their aesthetic sensibilities. Now the poor, the middle class, the unemployed, the retired, the living at home with Mom at the age of 30 crowd, the rich, everyone gets in on the act. Is it GOOD that someone making 28 grand a year nowadays exhibits the vanity of an Egyptian Pharaoh? I don’t think so. Not to mention the materialistic folks in the 16 century would indulge in things like jewelry and fine garments. Things that, if they have survived today, have likely increased in value. Today we drop hundreds on things that lose 90 percent of their value the second we take them out of the package. What we buy today is garbage tomorrow.

Wonderful setup.

And aside from that, I don’t see how any conservative can say they believe in “traditional family values” and then scold Target employees for wanting to be with their FAMILIES on a TRADITIONAL holiday. You don’t have to prove your free market mettle by blindly applauding everything anyone does in the name of profit.

I’m not saying the government should get involved or that companies don’t have the right to open on Thanksgiving. I’m not saying you don’t have the right to leave the dinner table to fight over X-Box games. We have the right to do these things. But I don’t think we should.

Good Lord people, not everything is a Capitalism vs. Socialism thing, or a Republican vs. Democrat thing, or an anything vs. anything thing. Every once in a while it’s just a matter of getting your priorities straight. Because whether you’re a capitalist, a socialist, a Republican, a Democrat, a Libertarian, a Constitutionalist, a Whateverist, all of that should come as a distant, distant second to your role as Mother, Father, Daughter, Husband, Wife, etc. And on Thanksgiving your job is to sit in your damn dining room, eat some friggin’ food, drink some beverages (alcoholic or otherwise), and pass out after you’ve gained 8 pounds in 4 hours.

Is that so much to ask?