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I don’t want to spoil it for you but I have a source inside the White House and he sent me a copy of Obama’s State of the Union speech. It seems kind of short but keep in mind that every applause break will probably last about 4 and a half minutes.

Here it is:

My fellow Americans [applause],

In the last four years not a single facet of American existence has improved, but the good news is that I brought candy [throw Twix Bars into crowd, House members dog-pile]. You may hear it claimed by fringe radicals that this country is founded on the principle of freedom [uneasy grumbles], but these people don’t realize that freeDOM is not nearly as awesome as freeSTUFF [standing ovation]. After all, who wants doms? What are doms? It is a mystery. But I’ve given you free food [applause], free housing [applause], free health care [applause], free college education [applause], free phones [applause]. All I’ve asked in exchange is that you turn a blind eye while I bankrupt the nation [applause] and as I steal the fruits of your brother’s labor to give it to you [standing ovation]. In return for my generosity all I’ve required is your vote, your dignitiy, your liberty, your independence, your sovereignty, your children’s financial future, and your soul [applause].

Disability enrollment has increased every month since I took office [applause]. Last year we spent 2 billion dollars giving out cell phones [applause]. And, after all this hard work, we can stand proudly as one nation and proclaim our pride in the fact that the amount of people on food stamps now exceeds the entire population of Spain [standing ovation]. We are creating an army of citizens with skills such as eating and swiping cards [applause]. I have lobbied to make Swiping an official Olympic sport [applause]. Some say my Socialist policies will inevitably lead to a collapse and future generations will be left buried in the rubble. Well I reject this claim [applause]. I reject it because, if all goes according to plan, there won’t BE a future generation [standing ovation]. How can we bankrupt a generation that we already so diligently exterminated [applause]?

Speaking of me being horribly evil, I’d like to take this opportunity to announce brand new social engineering laws [applause]. Because my reign has been like something out of an Aldous Huxley acid trip, I’ve of course put in place many arbitrary and absurd rules and regulations meant to impose my ideology to the detriment of everyone involved [applause]. Like when I randomly decided to put a bunch of public pools out of business by requiring them all to buy extremely expensive handicap mechanical pool-chairs [applause]. Or like the time when I found in the Constitution an inherent God given right to free birth control [standing ovation]. Or like the time when my administration decided to open combat positions to females even though almost every combat veteran in the country was opposed to the idea for logical reasons — such as the fact that it makes no sense and in no way does it enhance the military’s ability to execute its mission. But, as I explained to soldiers concerned about the fact that a woman would not be physically capable of carrying them to safety should they suffer an immobilizing injury during the course of battle, my ideology is more important than their life [standing ovation].

So in keeping with these policies I’d like to announce a few more: First, in the interest of equality I declare that parents may not give their children gender specific names [applause]. Also, public facilities may not have revolving doors because fat people might get stuck [applause]. Thirdly, all elementary schools must offer free gender reassignment surgery to their students without parental notification [applause]. Fourthly, the Marine Corps must replace traditional boot camp with a rigorous three month sensitivity training course [applause]. Finally, to ensure tolerance all opinions, before being stated publicly in any forum at all, must be approved by the newly formed Opinion Approval Agency (OAA) [applause].

America, this is just the beginning [standing ovation]. Yes, after my first term you have less liberty and less money and less jobs and less prospects and less independence [applause]. But think of the things you have more of: there are more drones [applause], and more Muslim militants wielding more American weapons [applause], and most importantly you have more me [standing ovation].

May I bless you and may I bless America! [standing ovation]