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Hey Britain, can we talk to you? Stop, listen, just listen, give us a chance, OK? Babe, we’re sorry about everything. We know things were kind of weird for a while after that whole thing with the Revolutionary War and all that. Speaking of which, yeah, you were right. Ok? Did you hear that? You were right. We never should have left you. We know that now. It’s like, alright, it’s hard to explain. We were just going through some things emotionally and it was just a weird time for us. We needed to figure ourselves out, you know? I mean, you were this big time super power and we were this little colony and, yeah, maybe we felt threatened and kind of jealous. Sure there was that stuff with you taxing us without giving us a voice in parliament, and then the authoritarian constraint and suppression of basic liberties, and plus we got onto this Enlightenment kick where we started to get all psyched about self governance, democracy, and human rights, but none of that is any excuse. We’re passed all that, OK? Yeah, we still have the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, and we like to look at them from time to time just for the memories, but we don’t BELIEVE any of that anymore. We promise, sweetie.

You were right all along. We didn’t need liberty. We had you, darling. You took care of us. And that’s all we want now. Don’t just take our word for it, look at what we’ve been doing. In fact, over the last century we’ve been working super hard to erase all those freedoms that caused our breakup in the first place. Not only that, but we’ve been really careful to eradicate our desire for independence by getting ourselves hooked on a massive welfare system. Baby, we’re even taking away rights that we actually had when we were with you. That’s how dedicated we are to getting back together. You taxed our tea and a few other products, but now we tax everything! Everything we do, buy, sell or earn is taxed! We promise we’d never fight with you about taxes again. We love them!

Plus we’ve got this freedom crushing domestic surveillance program, we’ve got a powerful Police State, we’ve got government agencies in charge of every facet of American life, from education to the economy to now even health care. See? We’re trying to be just like you. Yeah, we selfishly fought with you about our rights, but now we spend every night burning them in a bonfire while we cry about all the trouble they’ve caused. We’re sorry, babe. Who needs rights when you’ve got security? You tried to tell us that after the French and Indian War but we we just didn’t listen. Damn it, how could we have been so arrogant?

Yeah, for a while after our breakup we might have harbored a grudge against you. There was that little spat during the War of 1812, which we’re really embarrassed about. But that’s all over. Can’t you tell? Look how excited we are about your new baby! We’re all like “Ooooooh a British tabloid figurehead is having a baby! Ahhh how exciting!” Seriously, it’s all our media is talking about today. We’re taking an interest in your life. We care. We even look at all the ways you eliminate freedom and impose a Socialist collectivism, and then we try to emulate it.

Why play this game, babe? Let’s give us another chance. We’ll never leave you again. We just want to be safe and warm in your arms again.


Your America