My Dearest America,
I read a poll today that says 80 percent of you are unhappy with the government. Of that 80 percent, 61 percent believe the country is on the entirely “wrong track”. While I don’t at all disagree with this assessment, I do find it odd because, as I recall, YOU VOTED FOR THIS. And you didn’t just vote for it once. We’re talking about decades and decades of voting for the same damn people and the same damn parties and the same damn corruption and the same damn agenda, fueled by the money and influence of the same damn lobbyists. Damn it.
Now, maybe I’m being a bit of a purist here but it seems to me that if 80 percent of us are unhappy with the government, and over 90 percent of us disapprove of congress, maybe at some point we should think about, I don’t know, like, voting for different people, or something. You know? Here’s my impression of virtually every conversation I have with an average voter:
Average Voter: Man, I hate everybody in Washington. They’re ruining this country. They want to destroy us. Those evil bums. I can’t stand them. I hope they all get a thousand paper cuts and drown in a vat of lemon juice. They’re terrible. Awful. Just awful.
Me: Yeah, I’m with you. Hey, so what about voting out longtime incumbents and voting in some independent parties?
Average Voter: WHOA. HOLD ON, MAN. DON’T GET ALL CRAZY ON ME. I mean, I just want them all to die a painful death. But I would never VOTE THEM OUT. I’m not a monster. Third parties? We can’t do that. That’ll never work. They’ll lose.
Me: …So you’ll keeping voting FOR people you don’t like because you’re afraid that if you vote for someone you do like, someone you don’t like will win?
Average Voter: Yeah. That’s called “logic”, my friend. You’ll understand when you’re older.
But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at this mentality. After all, we are the country that drinks a caffeinated milk shake for breakfast (or a “frappuccino”, as we like to call them), eats a fast food burrito for lunch, and dines on a Big Mac in the evening, then goes to bed wondering why we’re so fat. We’re like a two year old that throws a ball across the room and then cries because our ball is across the room.
So America, I’m sorry, I don’t feel sorry for you. It’s your fault. You did this. This is on you. We get what we vote for, the lobbyists get what they pay for, and everyone gets exactly what they deserve. For me, the only thing lower than my approval of congress is my approval of the American populace.
For the love of God, take charge of your life.