Dear football sportscasters, analysts, announcers and pundits,
Please continue to say these 6 things over and over and over again every time you are behind a camera or a microphone. These concepts are immensely complicated, which is why athletes grasp them so well while the rest of us are left in the intellectual dust. By all means, continue to repeat these items ad naseum because they blow my feeble mind anew every single time you say them:
1. “If you want to beat this quarterback you have to get pressure on him”. Oh really? You mean this particular player is LESS efficient when he has 280 pound pass rushers draped on him? You mean it would be ideal from a defensive stand point to HINDER his ability to throw the ball? Wait. Are you actually saying that this quarterback will be more effective if he’s given more time to throw the ball? I don’t know. That seems like a radical statement but you’re the expert, pal.
2. “It’s better to be in short yardage situations than to get stuck in 3rd and longs”. Whoa. Hold the freaking phone. So your claim is that the CLOSER a team is to another first down the EASIER it will be to convert that first down? So would it be fair to say that ADVANCING is the goal of an offense and STOPPING ADVANCEMENT is the goal of a defense? Wow. What a revelation. Now is this the case in just this particular game or could this possibly stretch to other match ups as well? Guess I’ll have to stay tuned to find out, huh?
3. “The key to this game is to win [the turnover battle, the battle upfront, the field position battle]”. Ok. Stop it. Just stop it already. There’s no way this can be correct. I mean, there’s no possible way that a team could more easily win the overall game by winning every essential facet of it. That seems too counter intuitive. Do you mean to tell me that the team which fumbles less, sacks more and begins drives closer to the opponents end zone is actually MORE likely to win? I’m speechless.
4. “Well, look, first you have to go out there and execute”. Sir, now you’ve gone too far. You can’t expect me to buy into this notion that in order to do something one must, in fact, do that thing which needs to be done. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. You have opened my eyes not just to the game of football but to the game of life, my friend.
5. “When you’re in the redzone you want to come away with a score”. Alright. I get it. Now you’re just TRYING to instigate, aren’t you? You’re like a Saw movie, going for the easy shock factor. I mean, this is obviously an incorrect statement. You can’t expect me to believe that a team is best served if it scores points. The offense is 9 yards from a touchdown and you’re saying that they’d actually prefer to score that touchdown, or at least kick a field goal? OK, I think I’m catching on. The team with the most points wins. As such, it is always preferable to score 6 or 3 points than zero points. I’m so confused. But I’m trying to keep up. Please be patient.
6. “That looked like a blown coverage”. Your sophistry has become irritating. What are you? Some kind of radical? Terrorist? What kind of a madman says something like this? Do you actually presume to claim that the defense didn’t purposefully allow that wide receiver to catch that 42 yard bomb down the sideline? Are you saying that the defensive backs INTENDED to cover ALL of the potential receivers but through some mental or physical lapse failed in that ultimate goal? So you’re telling me that this offensive reception wasn’t in the defensive playbook? Get out of here. You’ve lost your mind. I can’t accept such a wild theory. Sorry, I don’t mean to lash out. You’re in the know on this one, not me. If you tell me that offensive players are SUPPOSED to be covered by the defense, I’ll have to take your word for it.
Of course this list could have been much longer. And that’s awesome. We all enjoy watching our games to the soundtrack of predictable cliches. Man, who doesn’t love listening to a collection of insights that sound like they’re being read from a script crafted by the same guys who write for fortune cookie manufacturers? Sportscasters are, generally speaking, about as spontaneous and variable as a dead toad, and I love it. Please, guys, do not put any effort or creativity into the job you are paid millions to do.