The Silent Plight of the Satirist

I’m glad I don’t write for The Onion. Our fearless leaders are making it very hard on people who are in the business of parody.
 
After all, how in the hell do you satirize this? How do you make insanity more absurd? How do you make a tragic comedy more tragically comedic? Maybe this is why SNL has been so terrible recently. It’s just impossible to make a joke out of a joke. It’s like trying to make a spoof of Dumb and Dumber.
 
Now we find out that the “social liaison”, Jill Kelley, who received the threatening emails from the CIA director’s mistress, and who also was in a relationship with/being stalked by the FBI agent who opened the case against Petraeus, apparently ALSO received thousands of pages worth of “inappropriate” emails from General Allen, the commander of US troops in Afghanistan.
 
My first question: what is a “social liaison” and why does the military need one? Has there ever been a point in military history when an infantryman radioed back to base while under heavy artillery fire “LIAISON! LIAISON! SOMEONE GET THE SOCIAL LIAISON DOWN HERE!”
 
I tend to doubt it.
 
My second question: is this our version of Nero fiddling while Rome burns? Or in this case, diddling while Rome burns. Either way, our economy is in shambles, our foreign policy is a disaster, the family structure is crumbling yet somehow some woman named Jill and her extremely active Gmail account have taken center stage. And I think that’s the appropriate imagery because this whole thing is a circus.
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In other news not related to sex, lies and shirtless FBI agents:
 
Papa Johns appreciation day is this Friday.  
 
I already appreciate Papa Johns for not tasting like Dominos but on Friday we’re being asked to appreciate them, or more specifically their CEO, for standing up to Obamacare. John Schnatter said after election day that franchise owners may have to cut hours and shrink their workforce because Obamacare requires companies with more than 50 employees to provide insurance for those working at least 30 hours. (No word on whether Peyton Manning will be among the layoffs). He says the law will cost up to 8 million dollars a year. In other words, the “FREE HEALTHCARE FOR EVERYONE” isn’t so free. Unless 8 million dollars counts as “free” nowadays.
 
See, the government doesn’t “provide” anything. It simply begs, borrows and steals (the begging and borrowing is mostly directed towards China whereas the stealing is mostly from American citizens) and then redistributes its ill-gotten gains to politically advantageous interest groups… uh, I mean “the less fortunate”. The government is like a clinic that promises “hair restoration” to balding men. The fact is, they aren’t restoring anything. They’re simply shaving it off your butt and gluing it to your scalp. Same general principle.
 
The truth is if we want to beat back this tryanny and oppression we’ll probably have to do it the old fashioned way: non-compliance. That’s what a Nebraska Bishop is promising to do.
 
I hope more Christian leaders follow suit. We can complain about Obamacare and the first amendment killing contraception mandate all we want. In the end we’re just going to have to stand up and say “We won’t comply. Obama, if you want to shut down hundreds of hospitals and universities go right ahead. But that’s on you and your party. You go ahead and explain to the American people why you had to shutdown HOSPITALS in the name of FREE HEALTH CARE. Good luck with that. For your next trick maybe you’ll blow up a busload of puppies in the name of animal rights.”
 
I wish we could rely on the electorate to vote out the petty despots and micro-managing dictators, but right now we can’t. Unfortunately millions of Americans have been duped into believing that a “right to free birth control” supersedes our constitutional right to religious freedom. In other words, a fabricated right to a free product trumps our codified right to something inherent to the human condition and bestowed upon us by the Creator, as stipulated in our founding documents. That’s what some folks believe. A lot of folks. Possibly a majority of folks. Which means we’re going to have to go back to basics and explain fundamental concepts like ‘liberty’, ‘freedom’ and the ‘constitution’ to these people. But in the meanwhile: time for Plan B.
 
And I’m not talking about the abortion pill.
 
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Finally, in the Everyone Has to Be Outraged About Something department:
 
Victoria’s Secret has apologized for featuring a model in a native American headdress at their fashion show. 
 
This was offensive because… well… um… Actually I’m not sure. I wanted to read the arguments made by the PC Police but I couldn’t get past this quote from the blog Native Appropriations: “Besides the daily harm of these ongoing microaggressions for Native folks, the sexualization of Native women continues to be an ignored and continuing epidemic.”
 
Time to add “epidemic” to the list of vastly overused hyperbolic expressions. A list that of course also includes “epic” and “awesome”.
 
In any case, the feathery hat worn by the underpants lady is a sign of an ongoing epidemic. Ok. Got it. So here are the four greatest epidemics facing humanity: AIDS, cancer, malnutrition in central Africa and… insensitivity to native American culture.
 
Well everyone has to have a cause, I suppose. Some people just choose really stupid ones.
 
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3 Responses to The Silent Plight of the Satirist

  1. Mimi Dupper says:

    I am abundantly grateful to Chicks on the Right for introducing me to your humor. We are starving for this kind of “analysis” – thanks for providing it so brilliantly. Now as soon as I stop laughing, having just read a bunch of your stuff, I will go face the day, in much better spirits, thank you.

  2. FeatherBlade says:

    “For your next trick maybe you’ll blow up a busload of puppies in the name of animal rights.”

    I’m pretty sure PETA has that one covered.

  3. Shouldn’t native be capitalized in Native American? Geebus you’re so insensitive. I blame the typo demons.

    This is an amazing blog btw. Definitely a good use of my ‘I’m too tired to sleep but also too tired to be productive what’s on the internet’ hours.

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